Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The End

It is my sad duty to report that the universal phenomenon that has been "On The Poop Farm" has come to an end. Me and my expertise in finding and commenting on the bizarre minutiae of everyday college life have been hired away to write a column for SI.com On Campus. I want to thank all the loyal "On The Poop Farm" readers and their friends---This blog would have been slightly different without you. Below are some of my recent columns and I hope you will continue to check SI.com On Campus every Wednesday to see the new ones. This has been one wild ride. Thanks for everything.







Sunday, August 13, 2006

Slot Machines Sent Me To College

The state of Ohio is considering a proposal that would put slot machines at nine different locations around the state. The reason the plan has so much support is that nearly a third of the profits from the machines would fund scholarships and grants for students at Ohio Universities. Thanks to the plan, degenerate gamblers all over the state of Ohio may soon be able to call themselves productive members of society. Additionally, after hearing about the slot machine proposal, a group of Ohio hookers pledged to donate a couple dollars a day to homeless people if the state legalized prostitution.

Dartmouth University brought back its chariot races for last weekend's Fieldstock event. The races were originally started in 1966 as a replacement event after the tradition of pelting newly elected student government members with food and beverages became too dangerous. In 1984 the races themselves were stopped because they were deemed unsafe. Bringing the races back seems like it's a good move and it's refreshing to know that in the last 20 years chariot safety has been improved enough to allow the event to return.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

At Last, A Bridge Champion

Ladies and Gentleman, I present the 2006 Collegiate Bridge Champions, The Michigan Wolverines. Michigan outdeuled Princeton in a final match that lasted over 12 hours. The team got ready for the tournament by practicing for three hours a day for 2 months, and their reward for winning was a $500 scholarship. The win in troubling for Michigan's football team, who now has to live up to the championship expectations set by the bridge players.

In other news...Texas A&M is refusing to move their band from behind opponents benches...the national squash champion is transferring...A University of Maryland bar broke a few rules...

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Harvard's Dirty Money

Jeffery Epstein, a billionaire money manager who donated $30 million to Harvard in 2003, has been arrested for soliciting prostitutes. The police report claims that Epstein solicited sex on three separate occasions, and he could be charged with unlawful sexual activity with a minor and lewd and lascivious molestation. Epstein claims he's innocent, but it hasn't helped his cause that the money he donated was to go towards establishing the Harvard School of Prostitution.

Arizona State can no longer afford to dispose of sensitive documents such as old exams or answer keys. The school's recycling program hopes to save about $8,000 a year by leaving the disposal problem for specific departments to take care of. The school also hopes their new policy will attract the best and brightest cheaters from all across the country.

In other news...UCLA may make teacher evaluations public...Slam poetry is coming to the University of Texas...The University of Arizona satellite did not fare too well...

Sunday, July 30, 2006

On the Poop Farm is on hiatus for a week. In the meantime, here's an article to check out.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Duke is cracking down on school sponsored drinking. The school will no longer help sponsor "Tailgate", the alcohol consuming gathering that takes place in a the parking lot before football games. I understand where the school is coming from, but forcing students to watch Duke football without the aid of alcohol is just cruel. Meanwhile the Duke athletic department is working on a new "code of values."

The Virginia attorney general's office has responded to the lawsuit filed by the major newspapers of the University of Virginia and Virginia Tech. The newspapers say their first amendment rights were violated by a law that prohibits alcohol advertisements in student newspapers. The Attorney General's recent comments defend the law saying it's constitutional because it "advances a substantial government interest." I guess keeping college kids from buying alcohol ranks right between peace in the middle east and improving public education on the list of substantial government interests.

If you feel that your classrooms suffer from a lack of cigarette butts and weird stains, then Boise St. might be the place for you. The University has purchased a University Inn to be their new College of Economics and Business building. I'm assuming they wont run into the same problems as Arizona St., who have protesters trying to stop them from destroying a building because it looks cool.

In other news...Ball State has started its own record label...The University of Tennessee is teaching soap making...Utah State is hosting a fiddle contest...

Thursday, July 20, 2006

What's The Tougher Job--A Mascot Or A Groupie?

Think you've got what it takes to be a college mascot? It's not as easy as you think. Southeast Missouri State held mascot tryouts this week and students hoping to be the new Rowdy the Redbird were required to perform a three minute creative program in front of a panel of judges that included the band director and a theater professor.

A world famous groupie is holding a writing workshop at the University of Texas. The woman, who claims she "didn't just have sex" with the rock stars, is now an actress and a writer. Her visit doesn't quite have the prestige of a Hemmingway lecture, but it should be interesting.